


Too Good At Pretending

by JustAnAnxiousMess



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Character Death, Heavy Angst, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:21:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26733520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousMess/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousMess
Summary: Trigger Warning: suicide, self-harm and character death.
Kudos: 22





	Too Good At Pretending

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: suicide, self-harm and character death.

4am in the mindspace and there wasn't a single sound. Thomas was fast asleep, not being kept up by Virgil and his existential thoughts or Patton and his desire to rewatch series.

Three of the four traits were fast asleep, unaware of the chaos morning would bring.

Unaware that one of them would stumble across something that would alter the mindspace and all of their lives forever.

Patton was the first one awake. He woke up at 8am and quietly walked down the hall to prepare breakfast for the others.

He was soon joined by Logan who was already writing something in a notebook and Patton sighed.

"At least leave that until after breakfast."

Logan rolled his eyes but set down his notebook to appease the emotional trait, he would be able to focus better after some coffee and food anyway.

There was the sound of a door slamming from down the hall and Patton shook his head. He'd told both Virgil and Roman off for slamming their doors but neither of the traits seemed to be able to stop.

He waited and quickly put some breakfast on the table for Virgil who slouched in with a moody expression on his face. He was definitely not a morning person.

Patton sat at the table with the other two and started on his own breakfast, knowing that Roman had been up quite late writing ideas for Thomas's next video so he'd probably have a bit of a lie in.

"Where's sleeping beauty?" Virgil muttered looking around for Roman.

Patton grinned "I'll tell him you called him beautiful shall I?"

Virgil scowled, his face going red.

"Well he's probably having a lie in, I could hear him still writing ideas by the time I went to bed. I thought maybe it was you Logan but I traced the sound of writing to his door. Let him have another hour in bed before you go bursting in." Patton explained.

Logan frowned and replied "Surely his tiredness would be his own fault then? Why should he be allowed to sleep in if he's the one responsible for not getting enough sleep in the first place?"

Virgil sent a glare over at the logical trait "You try dealing with him when he's not had enough sleep and then come talk to me about how he shouldn't be allowed a bit of extra time in bed."

Logan didn't respond and focused back on his breakfast so they all sat in silence for a couple minutes.

Virgil was scowling as he hated mornings but he also had this odd twisting feeling in his gut that said something wasn't right or that something would go wrong. He didn't say anything though because he didn't want to get sucked into a long boring conversation with Logan, it was way to early for that.

Instead he ate his food in silence and then wandered into the lounge where he sprawled out on the couch, his eyes still heavy with sleep.

Logan finished his food and started writing in his notebook again, occasionally stopping to sip at his coffee.

Patton shook his head fondly at the behaviour of his strange little family and ate his breakfast with small smile. When he'd finished he took all the plates out to the kitchen and left them in the sink for Logan to wash after he'd finished his work.

He grabbed a clean plate, put some food on it for Roman and started walking towards Romans room.

He knocked on the door and waited for a response but got nothing. He shrugged and opened the door, flicking on the lightswitch so he could see.

As his eyes took in the room a loud scream echoed down the halls and it took Patton a few seconds to realise the person screaming was him. He dropped the plate of food in his hand which smashed and stained the already stained carpet.

He heard footsteps behind him and the worried voices of the other two but couldn't stop himself screaming.

Laying on the floor with glassy, vacant eyes was Roman, blood staining his usually pristine white outfit. The sleeves of his suit were rolled up and there was hundreds of scars littering his skin, barely visible underneath the dark red that glistened sickeningly.

Pattons scream cut off into sobs as he fully comprehended what he was seeing and he felt shaky arms wrap around him from behind. He was turned around and pulled into the chest of Logan who seemed to be trying to hold himself together.

Virgil stood in the doorway his eyes transfixed to the grisly scene in front of him and he barely even noticed he had drifted closer until he found himself kneeling next to the limp form of Roman.

He could see the old faded scars on his arms from what appeared to be years of suffering and felt something in him break as hot salty tears rolled down his cheeks.

None of them had expected this. Roman was always the strong one, the confident, slightly arrogant one who always had a smile on his face.

To find him laying on his bedroom floor with scars all over his arms and a pool of congealed blood surrounding him from where he'd slit his wrists was completely unexpected.

Virgil noticed a neatly folded piece of paper next to one of Romans hands and reached a shaky hand out to pick it up, struggling to make sense of the whole situation.

*Romans Note*

Dear Virgil, Patton and Logan,

I'm usually good with words but for some reason I can't quite figure out what to say. Maybe it's just the impending thought of what I'm about to do.

I bet you're all confused and don't understand why I did this which is good because it means I hid it as good as I thought.

I'm a fantastic actor, I can smile convincingly even when I'm close to bursting into tears and I can laugh as if I've just heard the funniest joke ever despite the fact inside I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I am thankful for that because it means none of you had to see how truly fucked up my brain is. I'm sorry for swearing Patton but it's the truth.

I realised recently how much of a hypocrite I am. All my talk of 'self love' when in actual fact I hate myself more than I've ever hated anything.

Everything you thought you knew about me is more than likely a lie. I don't dramatically serenade myself in the mirror to help me wind down, in fact there's not a single mirror in my room which isn't broken.

The truth is I hate everything about myself, from the way I talk to the way I look. We're all parts of Thomas but when I look in the mirror all I can see is a disgusting creature who needs to be slain. I always did say 'find out what's making someone's life difficult and then destroy it' in an attempt to show your love for them, I guess destroying myself was the one act of self love I could manage.

I've always been classed as the 'strong' one but honestly, I'm not that strong.

Whenever things became too difficult or I felt particularly hateful towards myself I'd lash out at things in my room, hence all the broken mirrors although that was mostly because I couldn't stand the sight of myself in them.

I never meant to start cutting, it just happened and suddenly I couldn't seem to stop myself. The more I cut the more I'd lash out at you guys incase you found out and then the more you'd throw insults back and I'd go back to my room and break down and the cycle would start all over again.

That's probably why I was so horrible to you Virgil, you were always the one who I thought would pick up on what I was doing the quickest so I made sure to keep you at arms length.

Cutting became the only way I could cope and when everything you wear is white it's difficult to keep hidden, I don't have to worry about that anymore though.

I'm better off dead, don't feel sorry for me or cry because I'm honestly so done with life and all the pain and hate. Deaths just another adventure as Albus Dumbledore said and maybe this will be an adventure I won't want to give up on so easily.

I tried my hardest to stick around but in the end I couldn't combat all the thoughts in my head well enough.

The only way to silence them was to cut but each time I'd have to cut more and more. Deeper and deeper. Just to shut them up.

Tonight they will finally fall silent forever and I'll finally be at peace.

I love you all so much, but I hated myself more.

I'm sorry.

Roman, aka worthless piece of garbage, aka Prince of fuck ups, aka a complete mess.

*end of note*

Virgil was sobbing as he reached the end of the note and absorbed what Roman had written.

He couldn't believe it had come to this and the fact Roman had suffered in apparent silence the entire time just made things worse because Virgil began to wonder if there was anything he could of done differently or said to have prevented this.

He was supposed to be the vigilant one looking out for any and all issues that could crop up yet he'd been blind to everything Roman had been going through. He was supposed to protect Thomas and by extension, the rest of the traits as well. He'd failed.

A set of hands rested on his shoulders and he jumped, spun round and looked up to see Logan with a tear streaked face. "Patton.....Pattons in the lounge. He..... I.... I sent him there so he didn't have to keep looking at...."

Logans words faltered slightly as he struggled to remain composed, willing himself to not break down.

Virgil stood up, his legs shaking like jelly and as he made that comparison he remembered how much Roman loved Crofters and that now he'd never eat it ever again.

It was as if a dam had broken and suddenly Logan had his arms full of sobbing Virgil.

Logan half carried half led the sobbing trait out of the room, forcing his own emotions down for the time being so he could be there for the other two.

He sat on the couch and both Patton and Virgil clung to him and each other sobbing and wailing.

Logan held the two in his arms and closed his eyes as tears trickled down his face. He wasn't going to break, he had to stay strong.

He lasted all of five more seconds before he too began sobbing and clutched the remaining two traits closer, all of them united in their grief for Roman.

Roman had fooled them all into thinking he was happy but he was so good at acting and pretending. Too good at pretending.


End file.
